


Guilty

by melodiouswanderer



Series: Isn’t it Lovely? [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Blood, Body Horror, F/M, self mutilation, sick!Lotor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 01:46:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16440710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodiouswanderer/pseuds/melodiouswanderer
Summary: The paladins go back for Lotor.





	Guilty

**Author's Note:**

> Haaaaaa, so….yeah I felt like writing some angst and a little horror to vent some anxiety I’ve been dealing with and the fact I needed some angst the last few days. I do plan to continue this in a three part series. I hope you enjoy and stay tuned and please heed the warnings. Other than that, kudos! This has not been beta read
> 
> Originally posted on my tumblr sinfultrails

The guilt inside of her never stopped growing. 

Deep down she knows she never should have left him back there. She could deny, she could blame, she could remind herself of what he did and it still wouldn’t stop it. Even if he had done the unforgivable no one deserved to be trapped in that place.

Especially when she knew what it did to anyone exposed to it long enough.

Slowly she approached the control center of the Atlas, sitting down quiet and looking at the map to where the rift had been closed. 

It had taken a lot to convince the others to do this. It was understandable why they would all be hesitant to rescue Lotor. She didn’t blame them.

He had betrayed them. He had used them. He had hidden things from them and in the end had lost himself in the process.

But….

But there was still a small part of her that hoped it had all been a misunderstanding. That maybe there was more to this. That…that he hadn’t meant it. He hadn’t meant anything he said in that battle that had cut into her worse than any sword or knife could. 

Though it was a very _very_ small part of herself beneath the anger and hurt that rules her logic.

The plan was to retrieve him, put him in an infirmary for detox and then have him be tried for his crimes. He deserved that much and maybe…

_Maybe there is more to this than we realize._

“Allura?”

She jumped in her seat slightly before looking up with a tired smile to see Hunk entering the room. He was in his pajamas with a mug in his hands. He smiled a little as he approached her with a sheepish smile.

“Hello Hunk…couldn’t sleep either?”

“Hah, nah…just a little jittery you know? I mean….” he walked to the table and sat down beside her, the map illuminating the room in a soft red glow, “Technically it’s like dawn back on Earth anyways so why not get up?”

Allura hummed a little before she looked back at the table. The small dot that moved towards the sigil for Daibazaal’s ruins beeps quietly the closer it gets. She slowly leaned her head on her palm and gave a heavy sigh. 

“…Hey. You know we can turn back at anytime, Allura,” Hunk looked at her sympathetically, “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes I do,” her voice goes quietly, bloodshot eyes never leaving that little sigil, “…Unless you all want me to lose sleep for the rest of my life…”

The yellow paladin opens his mouth a moment before closing it. He got a good look at her face: bags were under her eyes, and she looked worn and tired. Like something was slowly sucking the bubbly vitality she was always known for. 

The Princess sighed shakily, “…I…I hope we are not too late for him.”

“…Me too,” Hunk admitted quietly, “…I owe him an earful,” he smiles a bit, hoping it might draw a laugh or even a wider smile from her,

“…I’m sure you do, Hunk,” she closed her eyes and gives a quiet chuckle before her smile disappears.

_…Let him be all right…_

………………

“I still say this is a bad idea—”

“I know.”

“—and that opening the rift again is risky—”

“Noted.”

“—and that this could end really really badly. Like super badly.”

Allura picked up her paladin helmet and took in a deep breath for patience, “…I am aware of your concerns Lance. And I appreciate said concern you’re showing,” She offers a smile, “…Now get your helmet on and get your butt on to Red please.”

Lance winced a bit at how tense she sounds in her last sentence. He can’t help it though. Ever since this whole mission started she’s been acting different and it was legit scaring him a little. 

He watched her walk away into the Blue Lion’s hangar, his brows furrowing.

Why was she doing this? Was she trying to gain closure? Or just see if it was possible to save him?

_What if she still has feelings for him?_

He shook his head and pushed those thoughts away with a growl. No that can’t be it. Not after all that he’s put her through and how much he’s hurt her. Lance took in a deep breath before grunting when Keith nudges last him.

“Hey!”

“Stop blocking the hallway,” Keith huffed, putting his helmet on as he jogs to his Lion’s hangar. There was no missing the tension that knots in the Red Paladin’s back. 

He was worried too. About what this might do to the team, what this could lead to…

Nothing good ever came from the rift as history had proven with Zarkon and Haggar. But this was for Allura and hopefully helping her feel some semblance of peace. 

_And maybe give me some peace of mind too…._

…………………..

“ _All right, so…judging from my readings and running a few scans I found one place of entry into the rift that won’t cause any other rips in time and space again like last time,”_ Pidge’s voice was unusually calm as she was giving the information.

Considering she had been the second least happy about this, she still seemed to keep a cool head.

Allura took in a deep breath as she looked at the old remains of a planet she once thought was so unbreakable and strong…

Seeing it in pieces was almost haunting. 

“Thank you Pidge. Once we form Voltron, we will go to the location and hopefully enter the rift without risking the universe’ safety…”

“ _So when we find Lotor do we just grab the Sincline ship and then pull him out or…?”_

She took in a deep breath to not sound exasperated in answering Hunk’s question, “Yes. The Atlas is only big enough to harbor the lions. Shiro and Sam aren’t sure how the ship would be able to handle a mecha that’s been exposed to quintessence as long as it has…”

Allura looked where the rift had been..where dozens of rifts had been opened from their teleporting and fighting. She closed her eyes a moment when the threats and rageful ramblings of the now ex Galra emperor echo in her head. It sends fresh pang of guilt through her to think of how he might be now…

Keith’s voice broke her from her thoughts.

“ _All right…Let’s form Voltron.”_  

………………….

The moment they re-enter the rift, the quintessence energy almost slams into them like a punch to the gut. 

The energy made the hairs on the paladins necks stand on end as the familiar brightness of the rift surrounds them. It was a good thing Pidge, Matt and Sam had managed to put up quintessence filters around Voltron to help keep the quintessence from overwhelming the systems, 

Allura took in a deep breath before opening her eyes, squinting a bit to adjust to the beaming void,

“ _All right we’re in….is everyone all right?”_ Keith’s voice spoke over the comm.

“ _A little woozy but ok….”_ Hunk hiccuped softly as if holding back from getting sick. 

_“Anyone see anything that looks like a bipedal dragon with a weird ponytail?”_

The Princess took in a deep breath to keep from snapping at Lance. Sure his description of the mecha was a bit silly though accurate it may be. She closed her eyes and tried to focus a moment.

He has to still be here. He has to. 

She could hear Pidge working on her console, “ _Let’s see maybe if….”_

The others began to talk as they try to spot anything, their voices slowly being tuned out as Allura attempted to sift through the quintessence field. If she could pick up his essence amongst it….

_Please…please if you feel me…give me some indication you’re all right…that you’re alive…_

_Please let us save you if you sense us…._

She grips the steers as she grits her teeth. Her breathing began to grow ruff as she bows her head down between her knees. A terrible ache cracks through the wall of numb logic and rage she had out around her guilty conscience and her broken heart.

“Damn you….damn you let me find you…” Allura’s voice grew thick as her eyes blurred softly. 

_Please let me find you Lotor!_

_“I see something ahead!”  
_

She snaps her head up at Lance’s declaration, looking ahead…

“ _That’s…”_ Keith started.

_Lotor…_

Voltron vaulted forwards towards the figure of the Sincline robot. Allura felt her heart beginning to thump harder in her chest the closer they became to the other mecha. 

In that moment her original reasons for rescuing him were gone from her mind. The closer they approach the harder it became to keep her tears of relief from pouring….

….only for that relief to change to sudden shock when they were close enough for a clear view.

The Sincline had certainly seen much better days. Pieces of the mecha were missing. The tail was all but obliterated. The optical sensors were completely blacked out and the robot was completely still. The once pristine and well put together armor was chipped, cracked, missing armor, 

Pidge spoke first, “ _I’m picking up a faint vital sign…it’s coming from the head…”_

_“All right, let’s grab the mecha and—”  
_

_“Wait!”_ Hunk spoke up before Keith could finish his sentence, “ _The ship’s quintessence is unstable. If we try to grab it even with the filters it could cause damage to the systems.”_

 _“_ He’s right there….” 

“ _Well is there anyway we could just out a grappling hook on it and pull it away?”_

_“We don’t have a grappling hook, Lance.”_

_“Well excuse me for trying to come up with an alternative Hunk!”  
_

Allura slowly fixed her helmet before she stands up slowly from her piloting chair.

“ _Hey, I’m just trying to make sure Voltron will come out of this ok and we get Lotor out.”_

 _“Then …we should head back.”_ Keith sighed and leaned back, “ _We can try to find another way….I’m sorry Allura.”_

There was no answer.

“… _Allura?”_

_“Aaaah quiznak…Allura it will be ok, we’re going to come back once we—”  
_

Hunk was cut off suddenly by the sound of the Blue Lion’s cockpit opening.

………………….

She could hear the others shouting in alarm through the static of her helmet comm. as she enters the void. Her breathing hitches as quintessence hits her full force, her ears pinning back to her head. She bites her bottom lip and digs her fingers into her thighs to try and calm herself.

_It’s so different now…_

No feeling of elation, no sense of satisfaction, Only an overwhelming heat like a strong fever. It reminded her of the time she’d been sick with zarlox flu and she had been on bed rest. Her head had felt so fuzzy and she felt ready to pass out then.

It was hard to think…

“ _Allura—n your—ion—quickly!”_

Hearing Keith’s distorted voice made her blink and shake her head to clear the static. Slowly she looked around before sets her sights on the Sincline. 

Right. The mission. She had a mission to complete and something inside told her she needed to do it today with no delay. She was so close to finishing it now….

With one last glance back at Voltron she activates her jet pack and rushes forwards. 

“ _ALLU—!!!”_

_“Pidge—eye on—vitals! Make—oesn’t hurt her—”  
_

She turned the comm. off so she could focus. She didn’t need Lance, Keith or the others shouting in her ear, especially when she’s so close. Emotions begin to swell up inside her as she gets closer to the fallen mecha. 

The closer she got though, the worse the damage on it began to look. Like something had ripped into it from the inside out, the wires sparking with red electricity. Her hands started shaking as she approaches the head and despite herself, she felt her heart begin to thump harder again. 

_I’m almost there…I’m almost there and I’m going to get you out I promise._

The flow of quintessence increased as she approached the head. It almost made her recoil slightly with a hiss as a fresh wave a static crashes through her head. She curls up slightly, grabbing the sides her of helmet as she took in a deep breath.

_Breathe. Not much longer, soon you’ll both be out of this place._

She just needed to get him out.

The head of Sincline was scuffed and slightly dented but it wasn’t as bad as the body. Slowly she touched the head and began to feel along the cool metal for a latch, a panel, a lever or even a seam that would resemble a way to enter—

She jumps slightly at the loud hiss that sounds when a small ramp extends out to her when her hand brushes over a sigil on the neck. Tilting her head, Allura slowly descends to the entry way. She looked down inside with a little hope she might see him there, waiting to meet her there. 

Ah but the cosmos didn’t make things that easy for her. 

The Princess slumps in disappointment when all she found was an empty passage. Her hands squeeze into the edges of the entrance as she tries to calm herself, to keep herself from drawing a negative conclusion to why he wasn’t there.

Pidge has picked up a life signal. And Pidge was hardly ever wrong. 

A familiarity hits her when she slowly slips inside and touches one of the walls. The memories of working on the ships, the times spent with him, their little talks and flirting come flooding in. It draws a bittersweet smile at all the times he’d give her such a warm look, how their fingers brushed at times when they’d both reach for the control console….

Sometimes, if she closed her eyes and got lost enough in her head she could still feel his hand over hers. How warm it was, how it engulfed her own hand, and how secure it made her feel….how safe it made her feel.

It used to bring her so much ease, but now—

A quiet beeping draws her out of her thoughts, the glass of her helmet showing a weak incoming comm.. She stares a moment, slowly raising her hand to answer. The others must be worried sick….

“Mmmmmmm….”

She snapped her head up with large eyes. Was that….?

The signal disappears from the screen before she moves forwards. It had sounded only a little ways away. The walls seemed to pulse with energy of the rift and it only grew potent the closer she became to the source of that noise. A dim white light can be seen from around the corner of a small turn.

It causes her pause a moment. 

_What if he’s still….?_

No. No she has to be calm now. If she went down that path of thinking she might not be able to help him out.

With a deep breathe, she pulls herself forwards to turn.

A choked sound escapes her as she feels her body stiffen.

The three years of solitude and the nonstop quintessence exposure had changed his appearance to an almost recognizable sight.

The white hair had grown out enough that the tips of it was curled on the floor and covering his face from her. His ears were the only thing on his head showing through the silky curtain of white. His hands were resting on his lap with long claws poking slightly through the gloves. The tips were darkened and chipped slightly.

His armor was worn, the fabric faded from years of neglect. Little orbs of quintessence float about the room around him with his dusty helmet only a few feet away. 

The only sign of life was the small rise and fall of his chest.

Allura stared at him from her spot in the passage way. Her mind was in conflict with her body, one screaming at her not to move another inch while the other was telling her to go to him and make sure he was ok enough to move. 

Something dark drips from behind Lotor’s hair and on to his lap. Her eyes follow it down and she gave a strangled sound from deep in her throat when she sees blood stains on his legs and the small skirt cloak he wore around his waist. 

“…So you came back…”

She paled at how his once lovely, silky voice had become rough and hoarse. Either from screaming or lack of use. 

She breathed shakily before letting out a slow breath to try and be calm.

“Hello…Lotor…I..The paladins and I have come to retrieve you.” 

She moves slowly towards him, her hands extended to show she didn’t mean him any harm and was currently unarmed. One of his hands twitches, causing her to pause. 

“….But you never left my love….”

His body shook as he slowly raised his head, a shadow casting over his eyes and nose. His lips were dry and cracked. What was shown of his teeth were sharp fangs that glimmer slightly on the light of the rift outside the cockpit. 

Allura swallowed thickly at his declaration, “I….Lotor you need to come with me, yes?”

The part of her that wanted to get him out this place won over her body’s want to keep still as she starts forwards. A lump began to form in her throat the closer she grew to him 

Lotor tilted his head slightly with a wheezy breath, “You…want me to leave? But why?”

“Because you…you are sick Lotor. And we need to get you somewhere to help you get better…” 

She trails off when he shakily reached up to slowly pull his hair back from his face. Seeing those chipped, dark claws slowly tug at the almost glowing white hair sent chills through the Princess’ back and a pang of guilt heavy in her chest. 

“You said I was like him…but I’m not like him….I’m not him….I’m…I’m one of you….I’m…..you told me how to be one of you…” he hissed softly, as his lips tug in a smile, “How to look like you…look…look…”

Ice shot through her, “What…what do you…?

When those blank, jaded yellow eyes look at her, she could already feel the warm trail of tears sliding down her cheeks.

_Oh gods…_

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

His cheeks are stained in a mix of old and fresh blood. It gathers under his chin and slowly drips down between his legs. He slowly scrapped a claw under his eye, slowly picking at the wound there…

Allura’s stomach drops when she sees what shape the wounds under his eyes were. Bile rises from her throat as a light headed ness overtakes her from the shock and horror. 

Lotor made a soft, high pitched sound between a defeated giggle and a pained whimper. 

“Am I good enough now, Allura?” He grabbed the armrests of his chair, eye twitching slightly, “Am…am I what you want now?” 

_No…no…_

He slowly pushes himself to his feet. His movements were like that of a rag doll’s. He struggled to stay balanced as he lightly uses his feet to walk towards her towards her floating body. Arcs of white streams formed between his feet and the floor that seemed to keep him from floating from the lack of gravity. His breathing grows heavier as he walks to her.

“Am I still like him, Allura? I can fix it more…I can make them bigger for you…!”

She couldn’t move. Even as he came closer to her, she couldn’t bring herself to move back or away from him.

Maybe this was just some..some sick dream and she’s still back on the Atlas. That she was still on her way to this place. That this wasn’t Lotor but a mere figment of her guilty conscience. 

Reality came crashing down on her cruelly when his finger tilts her chin up to look directly at him. 

His face was thinner up close. Three years of no food or water and only the corrupted energy around them as nourishment have not been kind to his body. The armor was looser on him now. She’s sure if she tried to pull it it would come off easily.

His breath steams against the glass of her helmet as he leans over her.

“Isn’t it what you like?” His eyes start to widen with a dim, frantic glow, “I…I wanted it to be perfect. You said I’d look perfect with markings…”

Her lip wobbled as she barely stifled a whimper. 

His brows furrow, as he gives a nervous smile.

“Is…isn’t it lovely Princess?”

She couldn’t bite back her quiet sob as she began to shake as a drop of blood hits the glass of her helmet. She bowed her head as the regret and guilt begins to overwhelm her.

_I’m so sorry….I’m so so sorry…._

……………………………..

**_To be continued……._ **

…………………………….


End file.
